


Don't Want To Close My Eyes, I Don't Want To Fall Asleep

by HunterByDayWhovianByNight



Series: You’ve Got A War, But Who Are You Fighting For? [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood and Injury, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Canon-Typical Violence, Death, Deathfic, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Sex, Insomnia, M/M, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, The "How Bucky Became Captain America" Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 03:02:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14346639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HunterByDayWhovianByNight/pseuds/HunterByDayWhovianByNight
Summary: “He’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” —Emily BrontëThinking about Steve's death made Bucky restless, but it made him realize something about what he needed to do, too.





	Don't Want To Close My Eyes, I Don't Want To Fall Asleep

**Author's Note:**

> I'M EMO I LOVE THEM!!! I write this series in order to cope with the fact that Steve may die. Title is from "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith.
> 
> ~Hunter

Not being there when Steve died was the worst part. Bucky was inconsolable that night as he missed the feeling of Steve’s body beside him in bed. In recent weeks, Bucky had grown used to and fallen in love with Steve’s muscled body holding him as he fell asleep. Now, all that Bucky was left with was an empty left side of the bed and the memories of what it felt like to be held and loved. Bucky almost didn’t want to sleep in the bed; he wanted to hole up with Sam or Natasha instead of stay in his and Steve’s bed alone. All Bucky could think about was the way Steve had held him in that bed, kissed him in that bed, made love to him in that bed. Knowing that Steve would never come back to him, to _any_ of them, broke Bucky.

As Bucky fingered the sheets on the left side of the bed, tears streaming down his face, he recalled earlier today in bright, short flashes. He remembered how distressed Natasha looked when she came running up to him, tears in her eyes; she gripped Bucky’s shirt, said _I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Barnes,_ while choking on her tears. Bucky didn’t know what to think at the time, but then Natasha brokenly said _Steve_ and Bucky’s heart sank.

Bucky’s eyes stung with tears again as he remembered being led to Steve’s dead body by Sam and Natasha. It had been the worst feeling in the entire world, seeing his lifelong best friend, the goddamn love of his godforsaken fucking life, dead and helpless on the ground, body completely bled out. The dust and grass under him was painted red and slick with his blood and Bucky remembered wanting to throw up when he saw the massive gash on Steve’s forehead and stomach.

Bucky gripped the sheets tighter in his metal hand, so tight that he was certain the material would tear in his fingers. The next flash of memory, the one of him picking up Steve’s lifeless body in his arms and cradling it against his own as he weeped and cried out in anguish. He had tried to wipe the blood off of Steve’s face and out of his dirty blond hair, but it was all in vain. Steve’s beautiful, Classical face was already painted scarlet red with blood. Bucky had pressed Steve’s face into his neck to try and give him warmth, but he was still so cold. Steve was limp, deathly in his arms and Bucky couldn’t stop crying. Sam had tried to pull him away from Steve’s body so that they could leave the battlefield, but Bucky wouldn’t let go. Bucky couldn’t even fathom, in that moment today or right now, that his Steve was dead. It wasn’t just terrible; it was unbearable.

Bucky choked back a loud sob at that memory. It was only hours ago that this had happened, but Bucky hasn’t stopped crying since he saw Steve’s body. He didn’t get to say he loved him. He didn’t get to whisper some last sweet nothings or a memory of them together into Steve’s ear as Steve slipped away. It would have hurt less to have Steve go like that. Knowing that Steve didn’t have anyone there as he died, as he fucking _bled out_ absolutely broke Bucky’s heart. He could have, no- should have- been there. He was always there for Steve.

Steve. _Fuck,_ he couldn’t stop thinking Steve’s name, whispering it to himself, like he was trying to keep it alive. It was the least Bucky could do, especially after not being there for Steve in his last moments. Even if Steve’s body was dead, his name and memory could live on through Bucky’s voice and through the voices of his friends.

But Bucky wanted to do more. He wanted to be so much more. It was a way to make up for not being with Steve, something he promised himself he’d always do. It almost felt like betrayal, not being there; when they were kids, Bucky always promised that he would fight for Steve and be there for him every step of the way. That they’d be together until the end of the line. But it seemed now that Steve had crossed that line; Bucky had never even considered what it would have been like to lose Steve when they were younger.

Bucky thought of something crazy. It was wild and absolutely crazy, but it would bring him closure. Maybe even bring the team closure. Steve had always been a constant on the Avengers team, and he knew that it would be hard on all of them, Wanda and Natasha and Tony especially, to have that Steve-sized hole missing. Maybe Bucky could fill that. It would help him atone for all he’s done and his past life. Bucky wanted, deep in his soul, to prove that he could be a good man. He wanted to show the world that he wasn’t just some brainwashed killer, an asset to be used for murder and assassination, that he was a man worthy of redemption and a second chance.

For the first time all day, Bucky smiled. It already gave him such security to picture himself in Steve’s place, saving and protecting others. Bucky would finally be using his abilities for good, for an even greater good than he thought he was capable of. Is this what Steve felt like? Is this why he remained so hopeful, because he knew that there would be a brighter day and a new dawn tomorrow? Bucky felt in his gut that that was the case.

As Bucky drifted off to sleep, he could swear he felt Steve holding him again. Maybe it was just Bucky’s imagination running wild or him hallucinating, but Bucky could swear to God that he heard Steve whisper _I believe in you, Buck_ into his ear.

And for the first time in a long time, Bucky believed him.

**Author's Note:**

> me, in ya brain: kudos/comment on this fic  
> you: but why  
> me, in ya brain: you gotta
> 
> ~Hunter


End file.
